Loneliness as an Inner State: A Complex Issue
In my counseling sessions, I repeatedly come across the profound effects of inner loneliness - a phenomenon that has less to do with the absence of others than with the abandonment of one's own self.
The exploration of inner loneliness often begins with a seemingly simple admission: "I just don't know what to do with myself." This sentence reflects a fundamental alienation from one's own needs, desires and feelings. It is as if you have lost contact with your inner self. In our clients' accounts, it becomes clear how they have abandoned themselves by locking away negative feelings and unpleasant truths so that they don't have to feel them. Every time they do this, they lose a piece of themselves. Over time, you no longer know who you really are.
"It's as if I'm standing in an empty room, surrounded by mirrors that reflect nothing," one client described his experience of loneliness. This image is indicative of the feeling of emptiness and disorientation that people experience when they have lost touch with themselves.
Another client said: "I built all these walls around me so I wouldn't have to feel. Now I'm trapped in my own constructions." This metaphor illustrates how trying to avoid unpleasant emotions paradoxically leads to an even deeper form of loneliness.
When working with these clients, it becomes clear that loneliness is often an internal process that arises from alienation from oneself. Becoming aware of this inner distance is the first step in rediscovering the lost parts of the self. By confronting and integrating split-off feelings and thoughts, people can begin to experience themselves as a whole again.
Inner loneliness is often caused by complex psychological processes and often has little to do with outer loneliness. Here are five reasons that can lead to inner loneliness:
1. self-alienation
a key reason for inner loneliness is alienation from oneself. This occurs when people lose touch with their own emotions, needs and desires. They stop paying attention to and understanding their inner voices, which leads them to feel isolated and disconnected from their true self.
2. lack of inner connection
Even in the midst of relationships, inner loneliness can arise when one is unable to connect deeply with one's own self. This happens when people lose themselves in their relationships or suppress their true thoughts and feelings in order to avoid conflict or to please others. They then live a façade that isolates them from their authentic self and leads to a feeling of inner emptiness and loneliness.
3. repression of negative feelings
Many people tend to repress negative feelings such as sadness, fear or anger because they are too painful or difficult to deal with. This repression can lead to them splitting off from important parts of themselves, resulting in a feeling of emptiness and loneliness.
4. lack of self-acceptance
Another factor is a lack of self-acceptance. People who cannot accept themselves, whether because of their appearance, their personality or their past, often experience an inner split and distance from themselves, which leads to a feeling of isolation.
5 Chronic self-criticism and perfectionism
Constant self-criticism and striving for perfection can also lead to inner loneliness. By setting unattainable standards for themselves and constantly criticizing themselves for their mistakes and shortcomings, people create an inner barrier that separates them from their true self and a fulfilling emotional life.
These reasons show that inner loneliness is often a result of complex inner psychological dynamics and is not necessarily related to the physical presence or absence of other people. It is a state that arises and is maintained from a person's relationship with themselves.
Another aspect that is often overlooked in counseling, which consolidates and sometimes cements inner loneliness, lies in the identity formation of the person concerned. If inner loneliness has become established over a longer period of time, often due to one or more of the aforementioned problems, this state and the associated experience will eventually become part of our identity. Loneliness is then felt to be an integral part of who we are; it seems natural and unchangeable.
This internalization of loneliness as part of our own identity makes change particularly challenging. The human psyche often reacts extremely defensively when we start to "tweak" our identity. Holding on to the feeling of loneliness, even if it is perceived as problematic, can paradoxically also be a kind of conflict resolution. It allows us to dwell in a familiar, albeit painful, psychic space.
If we are convinced that we are inherently lonely and that this is an unchangeable part of our lives, then paradoxically we can feel 'safe' in this conviction. This clinging to loneliness, even though it makes us unhappy, can be a coping strategy on a deeper level. It serves to protect us from the anxiety that comes with change and the unknown territory beyond loneliness. The conflict is therefore not only in the loneliness itself, but also in the fear of what it means to overcome this loneliness and face a new, unknown identity.
Working on inner loneliness is a way of rediscovering and accepting oneself in its entirety. It is about breaking down the walls you have built around yourself, layer by layer, and reconnecting with your true self. In this process, people often realize that being alone is not the problem, but the way they deal with themselves. The journey out of inner loneliness is a journey towards a deeper understanding and a more loving relationship with yourself.
Do you often feel lonely inside and do you recognize yourself in these lines of text? Then make an appointment with me and we will take care of your problem.